


Those times I almost missed you

by SmileDesu



Series: V2 [29]
Category: Young Avengers (Comics)
Genre: M/M, References to Depression, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2019-02-01 21:28:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12713304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmileDesu/pseuds/SmileDesu
Summary: Secrets have a way of getting out not in the way you intended them to, Billy and Teddy know that well. Now it’s up to Billy to tell Teddy his own secret, of those times Teddy almost lost him at Billy’s own hand.





	Those times I almost missed you

Everyone had secrets. Bigger, smaller, they came in all shapes and hues. Some weren't so secret, even; take Billy Kaplan for instance. He never went on record on national television telling everyone he was the young hero called 'Wiccan', but the amount of people who knew his secret identity seemed to increase every other week whether he liked it or not. Of course, nothing said that was his only secret, oh no - yes, even an otherwise mundane, boring Jewish nerd from the upper west side could keep secrets other than his cape and spandex, and unlike these two - not even the people closest to him knew about it, not even his fiance. Of course, as a certain someone not only proved but also liked to remind him, such things had a habit of coming to light on their own if left alone...  
_And are you sure that's such a good idea, Billy?_  
  
"Billy?" Rebecca's voice rang, snapping Billy out of his daze. He blinked, smiled apologetically, and joined her at the kitchen table with the cup of tea he made her, a token of support after the long day she's had.  
  
"Sorry, mom, just thought I heard a... someone I know."  
  
"And did you?" she asked with a small pang of concern. Billy was about to discuss it, then decided against it.  
  
"Nah, just my paranoia."  
  
"Don't dare use that word carelessly with me, young man."  
  
He held his hands up in defeat before resting them on the table. She went on drinking her tea, and he tried not to stare. Rarely had he seen her as upset as he did earlier, and he was relieved to see the tea was helping in some small way, even if by offering her something to focus on. Or was it his company, Billy wondered as he caught her staring at him more often than not.  
  
"Long day?"  
  
"It certainly feels like it," she agreed, then fell silent again. This always happened, something bad hit, and then it would take her a small forever to open up, hiding behind doctor-patient confidentiality and her parental status. To be fair, the former did have to do with it, for sure - but more often than not, she was stalling. Again - he couldn't blame her, so he toyed with his phone until he heard the soft sound of her cup touching the table.  
  
"A colleague of mine called today. A _friend_. Said she needed advice. It's not uncommon, so I didn't think much of it at first, but--"  
  
"The psychiatrist equivalent of 'asking for a friend'?"  
  
She nodded. "'I have this patient'... oftentimes it's legitimate, but sometimes--"  
  
He placed the phone face down on the table.  She held the cup with both hands.  
  
"Their daughter... hurt herself. Their partner called them into the hospital, they were the ones who-- who _walked in_... they said that was the hardest part, hearing about it through the grapevine when it was too late."  
  
The words sank slowly yet painfully, making Billy gradually tense in his seat. Oh, that-- yeah, that's why his mom was quite _that_ upset, he thought as she reached for his hand, clutching it tightly.  
  
"Your father and I, there's so much we don't know, that we _can't_ know, but we'll always listen. Even if that's all we can do, and you have so many wonderful, amazing people in your life who'd do that much and more..." She held his hand, and he held back, smiling weakly.  
  
"I know how lucky I am, mom, and I've no intentions of wasting it."  
  
It took some more time, and promises, before Billy felt like he could leave her side, and even then it only happened at her insistence. Hands in his pockets, he walked through the house until he stopped next to the door leading to his boyfriend's room. How lucky he was, was it?  
What greeted him when he walked in was a flurry of swears, frustrated grunts, and other things Teddy had rarely spoken on a good day.  
  
"Frigging _bots_! Aaaaah!" Throwing his hands up in defeat made Teddy spin in his chair, letting him notice one bewildered Billy standing at the door. He blinked, then winced at the sight of the hallway over Billy's shoulder. "Wha-- close it!" he yelped, and Billy was fast to oblige. "If your mom heard any of that--"  
  
"She didn't," Billy reassured apologetically - he did walk in unannounced, after all.  
  
"Oh. That's that, I guess..." Teddy concluded before glancing at the screen. He growled once, then shrugged as he stood up and walked over to Billy. "You ok?" he asked when he took a step closer. "Your feathers are all ruffled."  
  
Shifting uneasily, Billy scratched the back of his neck. "Yeah, just-- mom's had a _day_..."  
  
" _Oh_ ," Teddy cooed and touched Billy's cheek. "At least she let it out a bit?"  
  
"Yeah," Billy agreed, but he did so absentmindedly, eyes wandering. Squinting lightly, Teddy tilted Billy's head up so he could get a better look.  
  
"Was it _that_ bad?"  
  
"I guess, I mean--" Billy grasped for a moment before sighing heavily, shoulders slumping. "It hit close to home."  
  
"That's never good."  
  
"Nope."  
They stood there in silence for a while longer, hands held tightly, before Teddy let out an impatient sound.  
  
"What aren't you telling me?"  
  
"Wh-what?!" Billy yelped, feeling exposed. Teddy brushed several tangled locks from Billy's forehead, then poked it.  
  
"Your eyes are darting all over the place, what's going on in that head of yours, Bee?"  
  
This was as good a chance as ever, Billy knew, and a part of him was already halfway into answering when he took hold of Teddy's hand again, hold tight and hand shivering. Finally -  
  
"There's... _something_. And I'll tell you, I _swear_ , it has to come from me. I just--" He managed to meet Teddy's gaze, and it took all he had in him, but he looked down after what felt like too little time. "Not now."  
  
"...ok," Teddy said softly as he bettered his hold on that shivering hand. "I'll wait for you. But don't stall too long, ok? Things like that tend to come out on their own." He leaned forward, kissing Billy's forehead.  
  
"I promise."  
  
–  
  
Having postponed it as long as he had already, Billy saw the need to set a deadline to himself. A week after should be enough, he thought. Just enough time for him to get ready, but not enough for it to become irrelevant or neglected. But then a week came and went and he found himself disregarding the reminders on his phone. It's been a week already, right? What's one more?  
The very next day brought with it a change alongside a visit from Tommy. It wasn't even something the speedster said or did, just this _look_ he gave Billy, this mixture of ridicule and scrutiny and _judging_ that left Billy beside himself.  
  
"Fine-- _fine_ , I _know_! Enough already!"  
  
"...has he been pulling all-nighters again?" Tommy asked as he saw even less logic to his spiritual sibling's behavior than usual. Jeff simply shrugged and threw another box of frozen homemade goods into Tommy's bag.  
  
Back in his room, Billy was tapping nervously on his desk. He knew Teddy had online obligations and didn't want to impose, but Tommy's look was still bothering him, even if he knew the guy meant no more harm than usual with it. A quick apology text message was sent, to which he was told to air it out - and indeed that was what he was going to do at long last. Deciding then to do _something_ towards that goal, he sent Teddy a message in chat, figuring his boyfriend would see it when he had the chance. Time passed, however, fifteen minutes, then half an hour, and there was still no response. Knowing better than to think Teddy was ignoring him, Billy opened the chat box and found the small message saying Teddy was typing. He felt his heart skip a beat, then the feeling of dread solidified when the message disappeared, but nothing new showed up in chat. The next moment, however, a knock came from the door, behind which stood a sheepish looking Teddy.  
  
"Figured it would be quicker like this."  
  
Billy smiled and let Teddy in before closing the door. Teddy spun around aimlessly until Billy motioned towards the bed and they both settled down, Teddy with his back to the wall while Billy remained at the edge of the mattress. That lasted until Teddy poked his hip with his foot, making Billy crawl back with a laugh.  
  
"Sorry about the delay. They released a new raid, and the learning curve is a bit of a pain."  
  
"Did you clear, or...?"  
  
"They're still on, actually," Teddy admitted and waved a hand when Billy seemed like he was about to protest. "Eh, I've better things to do with my time than wipe repeatedly and hear everyone cuss on voice-chat." And to show exactly what he meant by that, he ran a hand over Billy's thigh, then patted his knee twice. Billy chuckled and covered Teddy's hand with his own; he was enjoying the light atmosphere as much as he could, knowing it wasn't to last. Teddy must've picked up on that, because his smile faltered slightly.  
"So. You wanted to talk?"  
  
Billy nodded slowly, but stalled, to which Teddy responded with gentle egging.  
  
"Is it what you told me about a while ago?"  
  
A pause, then finally another nod. Seeing how Billy tensed, Teddy turned his hand, interlacing their fingers.  
"Well, here we are. I'm listening."  
  
Billy licked his lips, pursed them, and seemed so conflicted, it fueled Teddy's concern which laid dormant and was left to fester since their talk a week prior. "You don't _have_ to--"  
  
"Yes, I do," Billy objected, sounding on edge. "It's just _impossible_ to find how to start this."  
  
"Not everything has to have buildup," Teddy argued with a shrug. "It's _us_ , right? Lay it on me."  
  
That earned him a smile, small and cautious as it was.  
"Well, who better than us knows that things tend to get out on their own, right?"  
  
Teddy winced, but he couldn't deny it.  
  
"Well, the sooner you hear it, the better, and this - it has to come from me. You shouldn't hear about it from anyone else."  
  
Teddy leaned forward, not feeling comfortable in such a carefree pose - not when Billy sounded like that.  
  
"Before I actually say it, I want to make it clear that I-- I don't feel like that anymore, alright? It was a while ago, it was a difficult time, involving difficult _people_ , and we're past that now, ok?"  
  
"Right," Teddy reassured softly, even as he braced himself. Try as he might, however, it just wasn't enough for what was coming.  
  
"Teddy, I-- I tried to kill myself."  
  
There wasn't a response at first - not a verbal one, anyway. Initially there was a single, solemn nod, to indicate he had listened. Then, once the meaning properly registered, his eyes widened, a look of shock and fear settling in. It was to be expected, Billy thought and when Teddy took both his hands shakingly he held back as tightly as he could.  
  
"When?" Teddy finally managed, tone as soft as he could manage - he was obviously holding himself back. "How? _Why_?" He tried not to let that last one sound accusing - of Billy, of himself, of -- anything. He failed; Billy decided to forgive him for that. That didn't take the questions away, however, so Billy inhaled, then exhaled deeply.  
  
"Remember when we were in Central Park? Noh's ship crashed, and we had all those goo constructs after us?"  
  
Teddy nodded softly, but still there was confusion in his eyes, of course there was, Billy thought and looked down. He barely answered anything, after all, so he was going to - even as the mere memory left an uncomfortable tightness in his chest.  
  
"There were so many of them and more kept coming. And with Noh and America's parents... there was nothing I could do. Loki took my powers and vanished, and I-- I was dead weight."  
  
" _Never_ say that--"  
  
"But it's true, Tee!" Billy countered. "Powerless, _useless_ , and all of you were _losing_."  
  
"We'd have found a way--"  
  
"There _was_ a way, Teddy! A simple way for me to fix my mess--"  
  
"It wasn't your fault! It _wasn't_!" Teddy repeated every time Billy so much as opened his mouth. So Billy stayed quiet until it seemed like Teddy wouldn't interject blindly anymore.  
  
"I know that _now_ , that it was all _his_ doing. But back then? Not as much. It was something I thought I did on my own, one more royal mess under the Billy Kaplan brand name. But I had a way to fix it, and stop it from happening ever again. A way to save all of you from myself. So I snuck into the ship, and made my way to the armory."  
  
Teddy was shaking his head slowly and seemed as conflicted as Billy felt. Billy had just enough time to worry about what Teddy would say next when he finally said it.  
  
"So, how are we having this conversation?"  
  
Billy winced; that _was_ a good question. "Loki needed me alive, so I guess he kept an eye on me even then. He teleported in just--" He failed to swallow the lump in his throat. "Just as I pulled the trigger."  
  
An instant, not even that, that's what passed before Teddy pulled Billy into a tight hug, one arm wrapped around his back with the other hand buried in Billy's hair. He held him close, tight, and Billy could tell he was shivering - or was that Billy himself? It didn't matter, he held back just the same, clinging, fingers curling around fistfuls of Teddy's shirt. The memory left him shaken, and the comfort and reassurance he was deprived of back then sank in like water on desert soil.  
How he'd have loved to stay there, but there was more to come, he remembered, and so slowly he pulled away, as fast as Teddy let him, and Teddy was rather loath to let go. Finally he relented, one hand holding Billy's while the other cupped his cheek. Yet for all Teddy's gentle coaxing, Billy still refused to meet his gaze.  
  
"That... was the first time."  
  
"Wha--" Billy heard Teddy utter in disbelief and shock. "There were others?!"  
  
There was mostly concern in his voice, but Billy still winced. "Othe _r_. Singular. When Leah called to gloat, saying she caught you. All of a sudden, there wasn't enough time for me to _pick up potato chips_. And if, while I was at it, I could--" He choked and reached to wipe his eyes clumsily. "I could take away your _puppet master_ , so much the better."  
He figured the reason why Teddy said nothing at that was how personally uncomfortable that particular incident was for him, so Billy forced himself to go on. "That's when Loki said he was lying about it, that it wouldn't solve anything. I don't believe him, I mean, _Loki_ going into the Central Park mess without a backup plan? _Please_. But he had to talk me out of it, so, he said what he said. It caused just enough doubt to make it not worth it-- not while you were still in danger. "  
  
There was no reply to that for the longest time, nor could Billy come up with anything else. The silence stretched on, heavy and suffocating.  
  
"Please say something," Billy pleaded quietly, and for a moment wasn't sure if Teddy heard him, not until Teddy shook his head.  
  
"Teddy--"  
  
"I left you." The words came out on their own, a hushed, desperate whisper, and left Billy speechless. "I knew you blamed yourself for it all, we all did, but not that much. And while you were struggling with that, I up and left."  
  
"Ted--" Billy tried to argue, but the words all became a clutter of flustered emotions. Teddy meanwhile was shaking his head, refusing to listen, anyway.  
  
"And then, as though being a selfish idiot wasn't enough, I got _captured_ \--"  
  
"Which had nothing to do with you leaving and everything to do with Leah, whom you were meeting regardless!" Billy countered; Teddy sneered.  
  
"Yeah, smooth move _that_ was--"  
  
Billy growled, the best way he had to convey his frustrations. Before he could articulate it further, Teddy collected his thoughts.  
  
"It doesn't matter. Leaving was my decision. I'm sorry."  
  
Billy deflated at that, but rather than relief, what took over for frustration was determination.  
"I'm _glad_ you did."  
  
The look in Teddy's eyes was priceless, and he looked like he was waiting for the plot twist behind that statement. As there wasn't one, Billy simply shrugged, then finally explained.  
  
"Tee, after you left, I'd lie in bed, thinking about how empty and cold it felt. Then I'd think about how just a week or two before, you laid there with me, not sure if you even wanted to or not. And all of a sudden, sleeping alone wasn't the worst option. Sure, _now_ we know none of that holds water, but back then? I was _grateful_ for the loneliness."  
  
Teddy nodded, not quite sure what to say to that.  
"Loki really got us good, didn't he?"  
  
"He sure did," Billy hissed back. "And then he had the _gall_ to _cry_ about it--" He stopped himself, instead taking deep breaths to calm down. Teddy used that chance to take hold of Billy's hands, and he gave the mage a look that made it hard to look back.  
  
"Thank you for telling me. It couldn't have been easy."  
  
"Nope!" Billy declared with a nervous laugh, then slumped back. "But you're still here, right? The sky hasn't fallen, even."  
  
"I'm not going anywhere, either."  
  
"'Till death do us part'... was it?"  
  
"Still don't feel the need to eat my words."  
  
Billy smiled, tired and honest. Teddy responded in kind, for but a moment, after which he frowned, leaving Billy uneasy.  
  
"You said, earlier, that you don't feel like that anymore. Started with it, actually."  
  
It took Billy a moment, but then he shook his head. "No! No, I don't, absolutely not! That was a _very_ specific situation, brought about intentionally by a very specific _individual_. It's over, we're past that. I don't normally feel that way, least of all try and act on it."  
  
Teddy took a moment to take it in, and allowed himself a small smile. "Then I don't suppose you'd mind saying that?"  
  
"Didn't I do just that...?" Billy asked, confused. Teddy nodded again, but didn't seem to have changed his mind.  
  
"Explicitly. For me. Please? Ah, but first-" he interrupted when it seemed like Billy was going to rush through it. "Stop. Take a deep breath. Then say it, ok?" He was pleading - _begging_ \- so Billy paused and took that deep breath, then another, eyes gazing at the space between them. He noticed how Teddy was holding his hands, tightly yet fearfully, like he'd break him if he held any tighter, or worse - like if he let go even a bit, Billy would go away, out of reach - like he almost did, twice at that, without Teddy knowing. How close were they to not being there right then? How many other things wouldn't have happened since? And all the things that would never happen moving forward--  
  
"There we go," he heard Teddy mutter when the first sniffle happened, followed shortly by a small hiccup.  
  
"I don't--" Billy tried, only to have the words catch in his throat. He looked up at Teddy, head slowly moving from side to side. "I don't want to die, Tee."  
  
Teddy's expression wavered, shifting from a small show of gratitude and relief to held-back concern. "Again," he requested in a soft, steady voice.  
  
"I don't want to die."  
  
"And again."  
  
A bitter chuckle left Billy, who was struggling to speak past the tears. "I don't."  
  
And this time Teddy settled for that and brought Billy's hands up to his face so he could kiss over his knuckles - yet another thing he didn't get to do when he should've.  
  
"It's hard, it gets so hard sometimes, but I don't-- I make mistakes, I fuck up, _a lot_ , but I still have you, and my family, and Wanda, and the team, and--" He managed to pry one hand out of Teddy's hold so he could wipe his face. Teddy used his own free hand to brush back Billy's hair from his forehead.  
  
"I'll fight it."  
  
"I know."  
  
"As hard as I can, whatever it takes, I promise--"  
  
"Billy--"  
  
"I _swear_ , Tee, I--"  
  
"Just _shut up already_!" Teddy spat and pulled Billy into a tight hug. He didn't even need him to hug back, shivering as he was, the way Billy leaned against him was enough. "If it's for you, that's one thing. But if you're making those promises to me, just _stop_ , alright? I already told you - till death do us part. You just need to not-- not make that happen sooner rather than later!" He felt a weak nod against his shoulder, then let himself continue, albeit in a softer voice. "See, when I'm, I don't know, sixty, I want to hear your opinion about the new Doctor. And argue about the billion and third pokemon. And we still don't even know what the One Piece is!" He told himself that was a chuckle he heard before he pulled back, cupping Billy's face with both his hands and wiping the tears away with his thumbs. "And I wouldn't have that with anyone else, you hear me?"  
  
Billy was nodding, and crying still, but he was also smiling. "Thank you."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"I love you."  
  
"...I love you too."  
  
"So much..."  
  
"I know," Teddy muttered as he pulled Billy close again, holding him for all the times he couldn't before. "I know."  



End file.
